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 "Oh my God." 
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Captain
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Joined: Sat Jun 18, 2005 2:00 am
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Howwy wowwie caps, Baited has a sense of
humor?!?!?  On the real though I am going to make me a batch of those newt weak, soundz gooooooooddddd!

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Mon Dec 11, 2006 10:31 pm
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Lieutenant J.G.
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A farmer came in from a hard day's work and got showered, shaved and all cleaned up and was sitting on the front porch rocking, reading the paper and waiting for supper.

A rabbit came hopping across the front yard and hopped out on the road and was hit by a truck.

About 15 minutes later the same truck came back down the road and stopped right by the dead rabbit. The driver got out, took the top off a bottle and poured it on what was left of the rabbit. He threw the bottle over into the ditch in the weeds and drove off.

The farmer thought, "Well, this is strange." But he kept rocking and pretty soon he saw one of the ears of the rabbit kind of flicker. Soon the other ear perked up, and slowly the head begin to re-form, and the farmer thought, "Boy, I've been in the sun too long." Slowly, the whole rabbit came back, and he got his two front shoulders and front feet working, though he was stiff from being hit. He got his two front feet up, and he turned around and waved at the farmer. The rabbit started to hop away, and about every four or five hops it would stop and turn around and wave at the farmer. Soon the rabbit was out in the field.

The farmer decided he had to see what was in that bottle. So he went out to the ditch and found the bottle. And on the bottle it said, "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:17 am
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Look it Up!
A panda went into a Bar & Grill the other day for a meal. After ordering and consuming his lunch, he proceeds to take out a revolver and blasts the daylights out of the restaurant. Bullets were flying everywhere, windows shattering, lights exploding and all the patrons were ducking for cover! He then calmly wipes his mouth with his napkin and saunters toward the door. The owner, shocked and appalled beyond belief, screams at him, 'What was that all about!!' The panda turns as he exits and disdainfully replies, 'I AM A PANDA, look it up!!'

The horrified owner goes to his office where he had a dictionary and finds the reference for Panda.

"A large mammal, resembling a bear, native to Western China, eats shoots and leaves!"

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:20 am
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hahahaha


Sun Jan 28, 2007 4:20 pm
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:28 pm
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I Darn near threw up reading that, great! thanks, smile.


- Edited to remove the goddamn emoticon. WTF is with this touchie feelie emoticon crap that replaces text? Its ok if people select them but enforced substitution is orwellian.


Sat Feb 03, 2007 12:15 am
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holy **** kav, a smiley is now emanuel goldstein?

chill out, maybe drink three less a night?


Sat Feb 03, 2007 2:12 am
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Lieutenant J.G.
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20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their   Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......Send This To Someone To Make Them Smile. .....It's Called! Therapy!!!.......

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Tue Apr 10, 2007 10:40 am
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She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she will be coming back.


Mon Sep 07, 2009 6:31 am
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Lieutenant J.G.
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Mating Bulls

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' .

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

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Tue Sep 08, 2009 6:05 am
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Unread post Re: Re:
Father Cajone wrote:
Mating Bulls

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' .

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



lol, somehow I don't think the guy will be "mating" later that night.

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Tue Sep 08, 2009 12:03 pm
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Lieutenant J.G.
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The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it!

Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!

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Fri Sep 25, 2009 9:41 pm
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True story, Goes well with beer too. RGB




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran
out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait
bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.


Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:27 pm
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Unread post Re:
Good one Raptor.

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Mon Sep 28, 2009 4:59 pm
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Unread post Re:
Summer Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, Sept 28, 2009


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined..

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day . . and to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor . . .

Others, lighten up, it is only a joke! :)


Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:06 pm
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